Five Ways To Wreck Empathy
Why most attempts at active listening fail miserably
By Chris Thurber
Let’s get three things straight. First, empathy is not a soft skill. It’s much harder to express effectively than most people realize. Second, empathy is not the same as sympathy, which is about consoling someone after a loss or feeling pity. And third, empathy is not agreement. We all occasionally disagree with other people’s appraisal of situations. Perhaps we say to ourselves, “That’s an unreasonable reaction” or “They shouldn’t feel that way” or “I’d never think about it like that.” Whether you agree or disagree is irrelevant when the goal is to connect with someone by expressing empathy.
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It may sound as if I have an axe to grind. Not really. I mean, everyone knows that sharp tools are safer than dull tools, so grinding your axe once in a while is just being a smart lumberjack. But I don’t hold a grudge for anyone whose listening skills are a bit rusty. On the contrary, I feel positively passionate about helping people hone their ability to empathize. I try constantly to get better at it myself.
Empathy Is Relationship Magic
Empathy is partly about understanding what someone else is feeling and thinking. Of course, we can’t get inside someone else’s heart and head, so we can never understand exactly what a person is going through. (That’s one, good reason to avoid saying, “I understand exactly how you feel.”) Empathy also involves expressing our best guess about what someone else is feeling or thinking. The other person’s response to what we say out loud usually improves the understanding, which creates a positive feedback loop.
The feedback we receive after empathizing is what makes empathy foolproof. (How many other interpersonal skills can you say that about?) Seriously, if you make a genuine attempt at describing what you believe another person is thinking and/or feeling, but you miss the mark, you still get points for trying. Here’s what that might sound like:
Chris: Wow. You must be devastated that she broke up with you via text.
Sava: Not really. I’m actually more relieved than anything else. And kind of surprised.
See that? When you sincerely express your best guess about what another person is experiencing—in order to help that person feel understood and connected—you’ll probably be right 80 percent of the time. When the characterization is inaccurate, as in the example above, the other person will still appreciate your attempt and start to feel some comfort and connection. You’ve made a step in the right direction, and that matters. Best of all, the other person will almost always correct you by telling you what he or she is actually feeling or thinking. You can see how Sava does this in the example above. You can then reply with an accurate empathic statement, such as:
Chris: Got it. You were more surprised and relieved than upset.
Sava: Yeah. I mean, I didn’t see this coming, but things had been tense for a while.
See how empathy is foolproof? When one person earnestly tries to connect with another person over some type of strong emotion, the heartfelt intent almost always leads to accurate understanding, which is the goal. The emotional train might start off the rails, but candor gets it back on track. In other words, showing that you are trying to understand is almost as good as getting it right at the start. That’s the magic of empathy.
Empathy Makes Your Job Easier
If empathy has such a high probability of success, how can there be five ways to wreck it? Before answering that question, let’s ask a simpler question: Why empathize? Couldn’t you just leave empathy to psychotherapists? Sure, if you want personal and professional relationships to be more difficult. There’s probably no better way to increase misbehavior among young people than to increase the distance they feel with the adults in their lives. On the other hand, if you want life to be easier because the people in your personal and professional circles feel more connected, then it’s worth your while to get good at empathy.
As I wrote years ago in this column, the biggest fear that all youth leaders have is that the kids won’t listen. And that’s understandable. Your job gets pretty tough pretty fast if the young people you serve are constantly misbehaving. However, if those same young people feel you understand what they are going through, they will respect you. And if they respect you, they’ll listen and follow directions more often. Boom. Your job just got easier, thanks to empathy.
Empathy 101
Now that you understand how powerful empathy is, I’m guessing you feel motivated to level up your skills. Let’s start with the basics. There are lots of ways to express empathy, but you have to be good at Adjective Empathy first. Here’s how it works: When someone comes to you in distress, listen silently. Then, make a statement that contains an adjective that you believe captures an important aspect of what that person is thinking or feeling.
For example, Nori walks by you after losing a kickball game and grumbles, “Camp stinks.” Here are four ways you can express Adjective Empathy. Notice that each one has an adjective (in italics) that describes a thought or a feeling.
You’re really disappointed.
It’s frustrating to lose.
This day feels pretty crummy right now.
You sound miserable.
Naturally, for empathic statements to work well, the tone needs to be sincere, not sarcastic. And remember, if Nori isn’t feeling disappointed, frustrated, crummy, or miserable, she will correct you by telling you what she is feeling or thinking. If you’re at a total loss, you can always repeat some of Nori’s statement. Saying, “You’re feeling like camp stinks,” is a gentle way of asking, “Why would you think that camp stinks?” I tend not to ask why questions when I’m talking with someone who is upset because why can sound accusative and put a person on the defensive.
When you’re comfortable using a single word—an adjective—you can expand the repertoire to include whole phrases that perform the same descriptive role as a stand-alone adjective. For example, you might say to Nori:
Camp isn’t what you had hoped it would be. (A phrase that says, “You’re disappointed.”)
You’re pretty down on camp right now. (A phrase that says, “You’re unhappy.”)
Over the next week, practice as much Adjective Empathy as you can, first with one-word adjectives, then with descriptive phrases. Initially, it’s challenging, but you’ll improve with practice. When you’re ready for more, work on side-stepping these five ways of wrecking empathy. You’ll soon be an expert empathizer.
Top 5 Empathy Pitfalls
1. You disagree. Conflating empathy and agreement is the most common way to wreck empathy. Responding to someone’s expression of distress by essentially saying, “You’re wrong” or “I disagree with how you’re thinking or feeling” is the opposite of empathy.
Nori: This camp stinks.
You: What are you saying? This camp is awesome! Don’t say it stinks when you know how many fun things there are to do here. You’re lucky to even be here!
If the long-term goal is for Nori to enjoy camp, you won’t get far by disagreeing with her current opinion. It may seem paradoxical, but saying, “You really don’t like being here” (where don’t like being here is a phrase that acts like an adjective) is not the same as saying, “I also don’t like being here” or “Nobody likes being here” or “You’re correct that this camp stinks.”
Remember, your job is to validate the other person’s thoughts and feelings, not debate them. If Nori feels rejected by you because you disagree with her assessment, then the two of you will never be able to talking about her feelings, and she is likely to reject any suggestions you have for enjoying camp. Why would she listen if you haven’t listened to her? By contrast, if Nori feels connected because you understand she’s having a horrible day, then she may listen to you later on, when you share your ideas about enjoying camp.
Photo: Courtesy Chris Thurber - Prep4Camp.com
2. You minimize. In an attempt to help someone feel better, you might minimize the other person’s reaction.
Blake: Jeremy is so annoying! He’s driving me crazy!
You: Relax. Jeremy’s just Jeremy. He’s not that annoying.
It would be better to say something like, “Jeremy’s behavior is annoying to you.” Personally, you might find Jeremy’s behavior amusing, silly, or normal, but the point is that Blake finds it annoying. And since empathy is not agreement, try to see what else you can learn about Blake’s reaction. Minimizing someone else’s uncomfortable thoughts or feelings usually makes a person feel worse, not better.
3. You problem-solve first. In an attempt to quickly resolve a situation, you propose a fix before you’ve expressed empathy.
David: There’s no way I can find all the tennis balls I hit over the fence!
You: Just grab the hopper and gather as many as you can in 15 minutes.
David: My parents are paying for me to play tennis, not clean up the courts.
As you can see, front-loading a solution can backfire when a person is in some kind of distress and wants to feel understood. Moreover, because most young people already have ideas about solving problems, there’s a good chance you’re telling them something they already know. Provide empathy first in order to make a calming and compassionate connection. Then ask if he or she wants some help thinking about solutions. Here’s what that might sound like:
David: There’s no way I can find all the tennis balls I hit over the fence!
You: It feels impossible.
David: No. I just don’t want to go traipsing through the woods alone.
You: You’d rather have some company.
David: Well, yeah. Two sets of eyes are better than one.
You: It might even be fun. Want some help finding a buddy to help you gather all the balls in the woods?
David: No, it’s OK. I’m pretty sure that if I ask Billy, he’ll go with me.
4. You apologize. Well-intentioned adults often think they are expressing empathy when they say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It’s actually not an apology, but it’s not empathy either. It’s a criticism. The not-so-subtle subtext is You shouldn’t feel that way. Here’s how it might sound:
Yvonne: I can’t stand the way Britta always wants to hang out with us.
You: I’m sorry you feel that way. Britta just wants to be part of the group.
Yvonne: You don’t understand! She just stands there and acts so clingy!
You can say you’re sorry that a person’s grandparent died, but avoid saying you’re sorry that a person is thinking or feeling a certain way. As with other ways to wreck empathy, criticisms couched in apologies will backfire (see example above). By contrast, witness how well empathy works:
Yvonne: I can’t stand the way Britta always wants to hang out with us!
You: You wish she would choose to hang out with other friends sometimes.
Yvonne: Exactly! I’d much rather include her if she spent part of her day with other people.
You: I guess we all need a little social variety.
Notice how quickly Yvonne feels less upset simply because she feels understood. Indeed, she appears to have calmed down enough to do some creative thinking about solutions. The pro move at this point is to ask if she wants your help, rather than to give her a solution. Here’s what that might sound like:
You: So, do you want some help thinking about what to say to Britta?
Yvonne: I thought maybe you could just tell her not to be so clingy.
You: I could, but I’m not the one who thinks she’s clingy. What could you say to Britta? Maybe there’s a way you can say how you feel without making her feel totally rejected.
Yvonne: Maybe I could say that Maggie and I know each other from home, so we sometimes like to hang out, just the two of us. And other times, we would like to hang out in a bigger group that includes Britta.
You: I like that you came up with something that didn’t use a word like clingy, which is pretty harsh. Let me know how it goes after you talk with Britta.
5. You forget to pause. The power of empathy is in the pause that follows a pure, empathic statement. During that pause, the listener has time to absorb what you’ve said, think about a possible revision, start to feel a connection with you, begin to feel a bit better, and begin to think a tad more clearly. Too often, we forget to pause and launch into a disagreement, minimization, solution, or apology/criticism, thereby contaminating our expression of empathy. Here’s what that might sound like:
Byron: No wonder we lost the soccer game. The refs were horrible!
You: It’s frustrating when the outcome is not what you think the team deserves, but the refs were doing the best they could. Anyway, why get so upset when it’s just a game? I mean, I’m sorry there were some controversial calls, but you should just practice harder for the next game.
Buried by this mini-lecture was the initial empathic statement, It’s frustrating. The disagreement (the refs were doing the best they could), the minimization (why get so upset when it’s just a game), the apology/criticism (I’m sorry there were some controversial calls), and the problem-solving (you should just practice harder) wreck the empathy.
Far better would have been, “It’s frustrating” or even “It’s frustrating when the outcome isn’t what you think the team deserves,” and then pause silently. Let your empathic statement sink in. Keep quiet until Byron replies, which might take anywhere between one and 30 seconds.
Silent pauses also give you—the listener—a little time to process your own emotional reaction to the young person’s expression of distress. For example, if you had been one of the refs, you might feel angry to be criticized, especially if you thought you and the other refs had done a solid job. If you had watched the game and judged Byron’s playing to have been weak, you might feel indignant that he’s blaming someone else for his own poor performance. Putting your own emotions aside for a moment makes it easier to express pure empathy, uncontaminated by your own thoughts and feelings.
Next Steps
Start your empathy practice by listening silently, without interrupting, to the next person who comes to you in emotional distress. When it’s your turn to talk, do your best to express empathy. Test your skills by asking yourself two questions:
Did the words that just crossed my lips include an adjective (or adjectival phrase) describing a thought or a feeling?
Did I accidentally wreck my perfectly good empathic statement with disagreement, minimization, problem-solving, apologies, or by forgetting to pause?
If you botched your first attempt at empathizing, relax. Don’t beat yourself up. When it’s your turn to talk again, start with, “What I meant to say was…” and then try again to empathize. It will be tempting to jump in with advice and problem-solving, but focus on compassionate connection first. Empathy builds the interpersonal foundation upon which every other method of helping another person rests.
Christopher Thurber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and faculty member at Phillips Exeter Academy. He created Prep4Camp.com, the only evidence-based homesickness prevention program, and co-authored the best-selling Summer Camp Handbook with Dr. Jon Malinowski. His newest book, The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure, provides caregivers healthy ways to set children on their unique path to success. Learn more about the work that Chris does with schools and camps on DrChrisThurber.com.